The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage
Making relationships work
Roland Trujillo
Formerly
published as
My Husband and I Argue All the Time
Copyright © 2011 by Roland Trujillo
This book is dedicated to all the men and women everywhere who stay together, for richer or for poorer, for better or worse, until death do them part.
Mandatory disclaimer. I am not a doctor. I am a pastor. The information provided here is for educational and informational purposes. In no way should it be considered as offering medical advice. Doing anything suggested or recommended in this book must be done at your own risk. Please check with a physician if you suspect you are ill. The information contained is not intended for medical advice. You should always discuss any medical treatment with your Health Care Provider. If you are in an abusive relationship, seek help immediately from your physician, mental health provider or spiritual care giver. If you are in danger, contact 911 or your local emergency hotline immediately. If you need someone to talk to, you can also contact www.befrienders.org. You are not alone. People are standing by to help you.
Contents
The Dating and Mating Game Is Not a Game
“A Rose by Any Other Name is Still a Rose”
Why I Decided to Become a Pastor
Where to Find Real Solutions to your Relationship Woes
More About Avoiding the Blame Game and Solving Your Problems
What the Clergy Gets Right and What They Don’t
Sex in Marriage – The Shocking Truth
How to Apologize and Clear the Air with Dignity
Who Should I Marry? Courtship and Pre- Marriage Considerations
A Deeper Look Into Relationship Dynamics
Men, Straighten Up and Fly Right
Are There No More Good Men Left
Can I Reconcile with My Husband, Wife, or Child?
How Do I Become More Forgiving?
Is Food Your Secret Lover and Enabler?
Pastor Roland Talks to Husbands and Dads
My People Perish For Lack of Knowledge
Good Dads and Fathers – We Need Them More than Ever
Adam & Eve: The First Dysfunctional Family
Recovery: Finding the Way Back from Naughty to Natural to Innocence
Coping with Manipulative and Controlling People
My Wife Asked Me to Move Out –What Should I Do?
Change and Trauma: the Legacy of the Human Race
A Mother’s Lament - My Son Doesn’t Listen to Me
What is the Number One Cause of Divorce?
My Wife Cheated on Me – Now What?
Finding the Best Marriage Advice – Trust Your God Given Instincts
Why Men Must Be Faithful and What to Do If You Have Cheated
The Strong Family—Ten Lessons in Faithfulness
Restoring Order in the Home and Nation via a
Change of Heart
- 1 -
The Dating and Mating Game Is Not a Game
Relationships make the world go around. We love people and we hate them. We want
to be around them and then we want to get away from them. We can’t live with
them, and we can't live without them.
And nowhere is this more evident than when it comes to dating, courtship, long
term and short term relationships, partners and spouses.
First I want to say that all relationships start off with excitement and dreams
of living happily ever after, and yet a large percentage end up as a living
hell. Many of us saw our parents arguing and fighting and we hated it.
We were sure that our relationship would be different. But once we got involved
with someone for awhile--sure enough, soon we were arguing—and we are lucky if
it was merely arguing. Sad to say the daily newspapers are full of
stories about arguments that turn into violence or even murder.
Something is wrong. If love turns into hatred, then it wasn’t real love to
start with. It proves that what most people think of as love is not really love
at all.
Some relationships settle into long ones. Many appear happy and fulfilling on
the surface. But the truth is that many are not. Something is still wrong. Each
partner suffers--he in his way, and she in her way.
I remember when I was a boy, my mother had some good lady friends. I was
surprised and shocked by what was said about their husbands. Each wife not only
openly complained about and criticized her husband, but also stated that she
was secretly unhappy and unfulfilled.
I was shocked because in private they seemed to have contempt for their husbands,
and what was said in private was quite different than what was said when the
husbands were present.
I also got to listen in to what the husbands said when, for example, the men
would go fishing while the women did something else.
When I was with men, I heard a different story. The men were unaware of their
wife’s secret unhappiness or of their wife’s secret contempt. The
husbands thought that everything was basically okay with the marriage.
The men did admit that their wives never seemed to be satisfied. The wives
always wanted something. They wanted him to lose weight, to stop smoking, get a
better job (like some other friend’s husband had), or go to church more. The
wife wanted him to improve or change in some way.
The wives, according to the husbands, were apparently never satisfied. They
wanted a bigger house, more furniture, a vacation, or something. But when she
got it, she was still not satisfied with it. Nor was she satisfied with any
self improvement he made. She always found something to disapprove of. Yet the
husbands were not aware of their wife’s secret unhappiness or that the wife was
complaining about him behind his back. The husband typically said that his wife was confusing, and he was at a loss as
to what she wanted.
But like I said, for the most part, the men thought that the relationship was
basically okay. Without trying to be rude, I must say (to use an old
expression) the men were “fat, dumb and happy.” They did not suspect the deep
unhappiness their wives were feeling.
Occasionally one of the husbands or wives would privately remark that they were
staying together “for the sake of the kids.”
It seemed as though the wives were far unhappier with the husbands than vice
versa. Somehow they wanted something from their husbands that they were not
getting. The wives seemed to think that what was needed was better
communication, intimacy and sharing that would make things right.
But their unhappiness and continued complaints no matter what their husband did
proves that it was something deeper that they needed.
They could not put into words what they needed. But I can. And I will spell it
out in this book.
Their husbands could not figure out what their partners wanted. They tried
everything--from flowers to champagne and hot tubs for two—but nothing seemed
to satisfy the wives.
I will tell you husbands later what they want, so keep reading.
- 2 -
“A
Before continuing, I want those of you who are not married but are living
together to pardon my frequent use of the terms “husband and wife.” That’s the
way it was back then when I was a kid observing mom and dad and their friends.
Things really were like the television shows Father Knows Best or Leave
it to Beaver. For one thing—everyone was married.
Things are a little different now. So I want to be more inclusive, and that is
why you will see the term “relationships” and “partners” more frequently in this
book than in my previous book.
Nevertheless, I still have to say that the formality of the marriage
vows--binding two people together spiritually, emotionally, and civilly, with
that commitment being made public and permanent for all to see--is still the
gold standard.
Let’s face it—if you really love someone, you want them to be committed and
loyal to you permanently not temporarily. How do you feel if you find out your
boy friend is dating someone else, or your girl friend is seeing someone else?
What do you think of a husband who puts his wedding ring in his pocket when he
is around someone interesting?
A permanent bond is what we want, at least at first.
When our “love” (which was not really love) turns to hate, we may then look for
escape. But what do most of us do? We “escape” into another relationship (which
we hope will give us the permanent fulfillment we crave).
Therefore, in this book I will use the term “marriage” to indicate a permanent
loving bond.
But whether you call yours a marriage or a long term relationship, or whether
you had it formalized or not, I will not quibble over terminology. This book is
about love and about making relationships work, not about what you call them.
This book is for everyone--married or not. So whether you are in a long term
relationship, married, betrothed, getting into a relationship, just getting
over one, or not in any relationship but are curious about the topic—welcome!
Later in the book I may address why, in the long run, a formal marriage
arrangement provides emotional security for the woman and why it is a thing of
honor that the man would be wise to consider. But for now, I just want those of
you who are living together to understand that I’m not going to condemn you for
it.
What is in the heart is more important than a piece of paper. I believe that in
the long run, a formalized arrangement is good for the two of you, but if you
see it differently, I respect your opinion and don’t want to argue. Some of you
are not yet sure about what to do, and might consider marriage if you thought
it would be helpful. That’s fair enough. Later in the book I will give you my
side of the argument for your consideration.
But no matter what you call it, a relationship is a bond and there will be a
bonding process involved. I can tell you right now that there is no such thing
as just hooking up. You always take something from the other and give
something. A little bit of them gets into you and vice versa. That is why
promiscuity is destructive of character. And that is also why one man and one
woman forever is a very positive thing.
Perhaps now you can see why something so powerful and potentially beautiful is
fraught with danger and trouble if not handled properly.
Here’s an analogy. When a chemist at a laboratory mixes chemicals together, he
has to be careful and follow rules and procedures. Otherwise the whole thing
could explode in his face.
When it comes to the joining together of two people, which involves not only
physical union but also spiritual and, as we have seen, identity exchange—there
must be rules and principles involved. These rules and principles would be for
the protection of the people involved. The chemist in the laboratory does not
think that the instructions and procedures are meant to restrict him. He knows
they are meant to help and protect him.
Therefore, I am here to suggest that relationships, being a far more volatile
combination than any chemical one, must have principles that govern the union
in order to protect and vouchsafe a successful union.
And if what I have said is true, then a prudent woman or man would seek to
determine what those principles are.
But what do most of us do? We jump into relationships with abandon. We take
more care in buying a car then we do in choosing who we will bond with. And
once we are in a relationship and things start to go wrong, we seem to be
incapable of preventing them from getting worse and worse.
The latter is particularly troubling because despite our folly, many of us do
manage to marry someone decent.
It is sad to see two basically good people, who are trying to make their
marriage work, nevertheless get in trouble and don’t know how to make things
right.
Granted, sometimes getting older and wiser and basically growing up and
maturing have a mellowing effect on people. A couple might fight like cats and
dogs when they are young, but if they stay together long enough, the softening
and chastening effect of life may help them to mellow and begin to appreciate
each other.
However before we get too sentimental, it is also the case that many if not
most long term marriages are also lives of secret unhappiness, unfinished
business and hidden resentments. Often one side clams up and becomes
suppressed; the other becomes dominant (and perhaps cruel). Sometimes both live
separate lives, throwing themselves into work or community activities.
Don’t get me wrong—there is nothing wrong with commitment to work or community.
In fact, I think a good deal of separation—whether it’s separate beds or
separate work activities—helps prevent unwholesome closeness of the sticky
enmeshing kind that makes you feel trapped. When both people are separately
involved in wholesome productive activities, whether at home or the workplace,
and both are growing and leading fulfilling lives, it is healthier and more
liberating environment than being too close.
What I am saying is that buried hostility, hidden resentments, unfinished
business, secret judgments and contempt, and undercurrents of anger are what
ruin many marriages that appear made in heaven to the untrained observer.
But the kids know. Kids are very perceptive. They can tell when dad is angry
underneath, and they sense mom’s resentment and contempt for dad. They pick up
on the secret unhappiness, and it troubles them and makes them unhappy
too.
The other problem is that, as bad as marital resentment can be, divorce is
usually even worse for the kids.
The biggest harm of broken relationships is the effect on the kids. Societal
and financial ruin pale in comparison to the devastation of divorce on the
kids.
Obviously I am talking about two basically decent people. If one of the
partners is a drug addict, violent, a criminal or an abuser, then separation
from such a person is usually prudent to protect the safety of the children.
But like I said, I have seen too many basically decent people who have built a
life and a family together divorce over minor misunderstandings and a build up
of resentment.
Sometimes they just hope to improve their relationship but then fall into the
hands of some marriage and family therapist who makes things worse or even
encourages divorce.
Divorce is not the answer to squabbling or marital unhappiness. Some couples
think it would be better to divorce so that the kids won’t see them arguing.
Kids would rather see mom and dad squabbling than separating.
Why divorce is so hurtful to the kids I will leave for you to discover as you
read this book.
Perhaps the basic theme of what I have been saying should be stated as a way of
introducing the rest of the book. It is this. Marriage is more than two
animals copulating, and it is more than just a living arrangement for the
convenience of two selfish egos. It is physical, emotional, communal, and above
spiritual. Humans have souls. A marriage is the coming together of two souls.
- 3 -
Why I Decided to Become a Pastor
If the Creator made laws to govern nature, then He must have also made
rules to govern human conduct.
And He must have made principles concerning the union and bonding of human
beings. It says somewhere in the Bible that “what is seen is made by what is
unseen.” The principles are spiritual, and not observable. But the results of
violating or ignoring them are very observable. Just look at the devastation
and unhappiness all around us.
None of us starts out wanting to violate delicate principles to ruin our
relationship. We all start off with the hope of happiness. But what has
happened is that we are unaware of the principles.
We are ignorant of them because we have been mis-educated and kept in the dark.
Our leaders and educators, those who are supposed to know, are also often woefully
unaware or themselves mis-educated about what makes relationships work.
Those around us--such as our parents, colleagues, friends, and the so called
experts--are also often ignorant of important principles. Some of them
are even in denial about God and about the fact that humans have souls.
For example, if an educator, college instructor, writer or counselor thinks
that we are just evolved apes, that sex is just two animals copulating,
and that marriage is a mere social convention—how can he or she possibly teach
or project a spiritual approach to marriage?
Fortunately, many ministers and church people still generally say the
right things. They talk about moral principles, purity, abstinence, waiting
until marriage to consummate the marriage, and about avoiding divorce.
Though some of them waver in order to be popular or politically correct,
nevertheless they have the Scriptures and a tradition of moral living and
family values which they usually refer to.
I have to say that much of their advice about pre-marriage—dating, courtship
and engagement--is generally quite good. For example, they talk about the
dangers of causal dating and the devastation of promiscuous sex. They point out
the benefits of purity, of abstinence and of waiting until marriage.
Some churches also have some excellent pre marriage workshops and seminars that
help young couples think about marriage, about really getting to know the other
person before getting too involved, and about carefully determining what your
values and the other person’s values really are before taking the big step of
getting married.
As good and helpful as these messages could be, the church has two things
working against it. First, the secular popular culture teaches just the opposite
by word, deed, and implication. Don’t forget that among Christians, over 90%
send their kids to secular public schools. Then when their kids take drugs,
have promiscuous sex, and become worldly, the parents scratch their heads and
can’t figure out what went wrong. They don’t get it.
If you, as a parent, transfer your authority to someone else who operates in a
secular institution that forbids teaching religious values, and if you leave
your kids there 5 days a week 7 hours a day, for 12 years--then what do you
expect?
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that there are not some decent moral
teachers in public schools, nor am I suggesting that kids be indoctrinated with
Christianity, or for that matter Communism, Darwinism, socialism, or any other
ism.
What I am saying is that the secular culture is at best somewhat confusing and
amoral, and generally tends to be anti religious in its orientation. That’s
just the way it is.
The other thing that the church has working against it is the types of people
whose rhetoric and rigidity give Christianity a bad name. The old fashioned
hell fire and brimstone style preachers try to scare people and play upon their
fears. These types do more harm than good.
Though they may even be saying the right things, their rigidity, their self
righteousness and unfortunately, their hypocrisy make them despicable and not
credible.
But lest you think I am picking on the church or the clergy, I wish to remind
you that I am an ordained minister. My hope is that I can speak the truth
without wavering, with firm conviction but in humility and without
emotionalism. My hope is that my writings will help awaken you, so that you can
see for yourself what is true. I do not wish to push any dogma on you. My goal
is to awaken you to realize. By talking about spiritual principles, I may
remind you of them, and perhaps my words will help you to see that they do
exist and that they might be of help to you.
I also don’t want people to put me on a pedestal, nor do I want them to
accept what I say because I have a title or degree.
For over twenty years I spoke and wrote without reference to title or degree.
Although I already had a couple of degrees, I did not mention them. If anything
I say is true, it should be self evident, and it should conform to what you see
intuitively is right. It should conform to common sense. If it is true, it is
not because I say so or because I have a title or degree, but because it is so.
Therefore I wanted to avoid someone believing something I said because of “the
white coat syndrome.”
The white coat syndrome refers to the fact that many people will believe what
some someone says because they are influenced by a white coat and a stethoscope
around the neck.
If I had on clergy clothes and a couple of degrees framed on the wall, some
people would be hypnotized by the clothes and the degrees. They would accept
what I said mindlessly, not because they see for themselves but because they
are influenced by the religious garb and degree on the wall.
On the other hand, many people (far more than you would suspect) who have had
bad experiences with religious types, would have an aversion and react against
me because of their prior negative experiences with religious authorities. They
would react emotionally against the title of pastor even though I am nothing
like the religious types they knew before. This would make it
difficult or impossible to hear the message I bring because their emotional
reaction would get in the way.
These people have come in contact with wicked and hypocritical people who hid
behind religion or some other title in order to pressure and confuse others.
In fact, Satan sometimes does his greatest damage by having his agents in the
church. These wolves in sheep’s clothing do much harm and cause decent
people to develop an aversion or even a hatred of religion.
So I remained a layperson and simply wrote and talked about some of the things
that I see. I have never pressured anyone to believe or accept me or what I
say.
However, I began to see that many people do look to the clergy for some sort of
guidance. When they get into a tight spot, they would like to talk to a pastor.
I also began to see how woefully and pitifully weak the clergy sometimes is
when it comes to helping with the mental health, emotional, and relationship
issues that people are dealing with in real life.
For example, when it comes to helping with such issues as: depression, anxiety,
and stress, I also saw how weak most clergy and Christian counselors are when
it comes to the reliance on psychiatric meds.
Many
of them simply buy into the biomedical model, the so-called “chemical
imbalance” in the brain theory.
They
read it somewhere or saw it in a pharmaceutical ad.
Those who aren’t sure nevertheless take a back seat to psychiatrists or
psychologists. The once queen of science, theology, plays second fiddle to the
Godless pseudoscience of psychiatry.
Many clergy and ambitious Christians study psychology and get degrees so as to
fit into the system, get positions of power, and lord it over others with the
pompous jargon of the day. They study and then actually spout the flavor of the
day theory and confuse and betray their parishioners or those who seek their
help by selling them out.
Others strongly suspect that the chemical theory is not based in solid science,
but they remain mute out of fear of being politically incorrect or being
labeled as old fashioned.
I will never forget what a caring advocate, who helps returning soldiers and
veterans, said. In lamenting the multiple psychiatric meds that troubled
soldiers are routinely put on, he said “you cannot medicate a moral dilemma or
ethical crisis away.”
The phrase “you cannot medicate a moral dilemma away” made me take note.
Many of our soldiers have seen things in battle that no one should have to
witness.
Many of them have been betrayed, used, lied to, and asked to do things that they
begin to question the morality of. In short they are troubled by what they did
and troubled by what they saw.
They are troubled in the spirit and are doing some soul searching. They need
thoughtful guidance, wise counsel, and time to work through some of the issues
they are pondering deeply. Instead they are given a diagnosis and almost always
prescribed psychiatric meds, and more often than not, multiple ones. I, like
the caring advocate I heard, see something wrong with this.
How sad it is when these troubled souls are sold out by the spiritual
caregivers they hoped would have spiritual, moral and ethical answers for
them.
I came to see that a shocking percentage of those in the church who give advice
are themselves weak, misguided and confused.
I decided that becoming a pastor might help in making me available to those who
might be looking for spiritual answers.
At least it would give me a platform so that some people might lend me their
ear. Then they might be gratified to hear someone with understanding of basic
human spiritual needs. I also reasoned that an advanced degree in psychology
would bring me up to date on the latest theories and totally familiar with
terminology and current practices so I could relate better to what people who
seek my help have been told about their issue and what type of help they have
been receiving.
That, in a nutshell, is how I came about deciding to become a pastor.
It is my fervent hope that I will be the type of person who properly represents
true Christianity. If I speak from the heart, present the message in a
credible way, seek to awaken people rather than pressure them, and tell them
the truth instead of selling them out or offering false reassurances—I might
help some people who give me their ear because of my credentials, but then they
get the real message and have their faith in what they know in their heart
restored.
- 4 -
Where to Find Real Solutions to your Relationship Woes
I also wish to say that it is too
easy to blame the church or the schools. When things go wrong at home, such as
when the kids start going astray, parents often take two approaches: First they
look to someone else to solve their problems, such as the schools, the
government or organized religion. Then when things go even more wrong, they
blame the ones who they went to, and then again, demand that the outside
institution do even more. Blaming is a distraction from seeing the part that
they played in what went wrong. Looking to someone else to solve your problems
breeds dependency and stifles real growth.
I will elaborate on the above
themes.
Parents, for example, often blame the
church, the schools, the popular culture, or the government. They fix blame on
an institution, as if it were the school’s fault that the kids have gone
astray. But I have to say that the number one influence on the kids is still
the parents. If others begin to have too much influence on the kids, it is
because of the default of parents who have abdicated their authority and handed
over the kids to someone else.
And when it comes to marriage, the
Moses of the family and the person to whom the wife should look up to with
respect is the husband. If he is weak, violent, uninformed, or if he makes her
his god, then how can she respect him?
If he does not have wisdom, how can
the family look to him to guide them when things get a little rough?
And if he does not have the faith and
conviction to do what is right and wise, because he is too deferential to what
others say, how can he keep the family from being misled?
Another variation of the “blame the
schools and the government card” is blaming the economy. “If the economy were
better and if we only had more money, we wouldn’t have to argue. We could live
in a better neighborhood, have more things, pay our bills, and have a better
house. Then the marriage would be better. If the schools had more money for
computers, then the kids would excel.”
I hope you realize that none of
the above is true. People can be happy with very little. As the old saying
goes, “The best things in life are not things.” Abraham Lincoln educated
himself using the fireplace for light, and with only one book!
I also want to put in a word of
defense for the churches. I have already said that wolves in sheep’s clothing
have gotten into the church and are very wicked, leading many people astray and
turning others off to the very thing that could help them.
But having said that, I must also say
in defense of the churches and the ministers—many church people are decent and
do good work. Please don’t tell me about the inquisition. I know that a great
deal of harm has been done in the guise of religion. I already said that
twice in this book. But I also know that when there’s an earthquake in Haiti or
a typhoon in Indonesia, the ones who always arrive with medical help, supplies
and food are the Christian churches.
I also know in my heart that many of
the Christian people who are my neighbors, friends, and associates are good
people.
If they have any fault it is that
they are a bit gullible and authority oriented. They are too trusting of the
powers that be, and they believe more in various authorities’ nice clever words
than in what they know in their heart. Being too trusting is probably why over
90% of Christian parents march their kids off to the public schools, which now
have American students ranking below third world countries in academic achievement.
Being too authority oriented, they
look to the government to do something, to the church leaders to teach them and
tell them what is right, and to science and medicine to save them from their
unhealthy lifestyles.
When we put others on a pedestal,
believe and trust in everything they say, and look to them to do for us—this
puts a huge and unfair burden on the authorities.
They try harder and harder to help,
cure, and save us from our own folly. But they are only human.
And before long, our weakness tempts
them to have contempt for us or to take advantage of our naiveté.
Intuition and true religion
The Good Lord gave us intuition—old
fashioned common sense. We have forgotten our own American heritage. We have
forgotten Ralph Waldo Emerson, Theodore Roosevelt, Thomas Edison, and the
pioneers.
These people—in everyday
matters, in politics and in morality—followed and trusted what they saw for
themselves. They followed common sense, they lived intuitively, and that’s why
they became pioneers, inventors, and free spirits.
We have forgotten that people like
Abraham, Enoch, Elijah, Ruth and the prophets did not go to church.
They did not look to some organization
or some religious expert to tell them about religion. It was truly one person
and his or her God.
Most people do not know where to find
God. He is within. And the way to know religion is not through some go-between
middle man. Nor is from studying some words in a book.
The way to know God is to experience
Him. The way to know truth is to realize it.
And you are never closer to beginning
to experience the touch of God then when you realize something through wordless
intuition. God sends His Light, and your soul realizes Truth in this Light. It
is a wordless way of knowing. It is knowing without words.
Realizing is like seeing. Another
term for realizing is intuition. Some people call it a wordless hunch, sixth
sense, or a gut level knowing. Our biggest problem is doubt. We doubt the inner
wordless testimony. We believe more in what others say than in what we know in
our hearts.
We also forget what God said in the
Bible:
“I will put my laws into their mind, and
write them in their hearts: and I will be to them a God, and they shall be to
me a people.
And they shall not teach every man
his neighbor, and every man his brother, saying, Know the
Lord: For all shall know me,
from the least to the greatest.” Hebrews 8, verses 10, 11 KJV
God wants us to live intuitively. He
wants us to use our intuition and common sense. That’s why He gave us
intuition. What the ancient prophets called living by faith is living
intuitively. God does not want us to follow hypocrites or Pharisees. Nor does
he want us to mindlessly accept what someone says. He wants us to see it for
ourselves.
At one point, Christ said to Peter:
“who do you say that I am?” Peter answered: “You are the Christ, the Son of the
Living God”.
Then Christ said a very interesting
thing. He said: “Blessed art thou, Simon Peter, for flesh and blood have not
revealed this to you, but my Father in Heaven.”
No one told Peter who Christ was.
Peter knew it wordlessly. It was revealed to him within.
We all have access to this type of
knowing, which is far superior to mere intellectual knowledge. But we disregard
it and ignore it. And of course we doubt it.
When it comes to finances, to raising
our kids, to relating to our partner, and to discovering the reason for our
existence—we must learn to trust the wordless Word within. When you desire to
know the truth and you wish with all your heart to do the right thing but don’t
know what the right thing is, your true need and pure intent will
stress the Spirit. All of a sudden you will see what do.
And when you trust that wordless
knowing and act on it, then you will marvel at how problems resolve themselves,
as if by magic. Without effort on your part.
We must all learn to go into our room
and practice becoming still, so that we might find our intuition and learn to
relate to it. We must learn to pay attention to what it is quietly trying to
tell us, so that we can realize what is right, fair and just. We must live by
common sense and intuition. We must wait until we know, without words, what to
do.
Waiting for guidance from within, and
in all matters no matter how small, checking with conscience (intuition)—this I
believe is what is meant in the Bible by Paul’s instruction to pray without
ceasing.
That is why packaged programs about
saving your marriage, about disciplining your kids, or losing weight are bound
to fail. They are externally based, and not intuitive.
That is why clever pre planned
answers fail.
When your child is standing in front
of you with an issue, s/he can tell whether you are speaking spontaneously from
the heart or whether you are smoothly regurgitating something you heard or
read.
When you speak something preplanned, the
life and love is taken out of it.
When some issue arises with your
spouse, there are not enough books in the world to guide you through the
subtlety of the moment. What you need in that important moment is just in time
guidance. You need what the French call le mot juste (just the right word).
You need savoir faire (intuitive know
how), a delicate sense of timing, and you need to get your ego out of the way.
You need patience. You need guidance from your Creator. That is what intuition
is for.
This point is spoken to in the Bible
when Christ says: when you are called before the authorities, do not plan what
to say in advance, the Holy Spirit will guide you.
Elsewhere in this book I relate how a
wife who had some marital issues went to a counselor.
This wife’s husband was decent, a
good provider, not a womanizer or drinker. Just a decent guy. But she and he
had some issues, like many couples do. The counselor cavalierly encouraged her
to divorce and “do her own thing.” The marriage was destroyed, the kids
suffered and both husband and wife lived out their separate lives in sickness
and in poverty.
The counselor, a recent graduate who
had little experience and no understanding, was a fool. But I am not going to
blame the counselor.
The real problem was that this lady’s
husband was typical of husbands: he was decent but weak and unaware. She
resented him, and soon her resentment ruined her emotional well being and made
her judgmental over everything he did.
He did not see or understand what was
going on. He could not understand why she was unhappy. He did not know what
else was required of him. He did not have the agape love she needed from him.
Nor was he aware enough to protect her from unwholesome influences or see the
problem with the foolish advice she was getting from strangers.
No one had loved him either. No one
had taken the time to guide him properly. He was a victim. And then through his
weakness, she became a victim too. But I’m not making excuses to him. Because
of his failing, the whole family suffered.
If we had been left without
help, and the human race had been left to fend for itself, then it would be
unfair.
But we were not left unattended. At
this very moment, as you read this book, you have access to guidance from
within. But chances are you do not even know that you have it or how to find it
and interpret what it is trying to wordlessly tell you. If you believe in
intuition at all, you probably think it is just women who have a woman’s
intuition.
Thus when issues arise that you need
wisdom to deal with, you turn your back on intuition, and you look to experts,
teachers, and strangers.
Of course, the lady I was telling you
about could have been reasonably happy if she could have learned to give up
resentment and judgment. Her resentment was hurting her more than anything
else.
She could have paid attention to and
believed her intuition (conscience) which was telling her to not resent and
judge her husband.
No one reminded her of this. And if
they did, they didn’t have the love to speak directly and make their words
crystal clear so she couldn’t duck the message. Nor could they tell her the why
and how of giving up resentment.
If she had heard the warning,
it would have awakened her to her inner intuition (conscience) which had been
telling her wordlessly all along--to not resent her husband.
Nevertheless, even if someone had
made it crystal clear, she would probably have been unwilling to give up the
resentment. Like many people, she was too stubborn to admit she was wrong.
Judging and resenting her
husband gave her a sense of self righteousness, and she felt like a martyr. It
gave her someone to hate, to blame and to have contempt for. Resentment
ultimately robbed her of happiness, family, and then perhaps her soul.
But what if this lady had been
one of the rare souls (which hopefully you may be too) who when the truth is
stated clearly and with love, she sees herself in its light and is sorry for
what she sees? Repenting of her resentment and judgment, her soul softens
as she awakens to the Creator’s love within. Her whole life would have
changed for the better, regardless of whether her husband changed or not.
Something else would have been added to her
life that would thenceforth brighten her days and smooth the bumps in the road.
Maybe her husband would be there for
her and maybe he wouldn’t. Either way, she would have begun to live graciously
and with joy, despite what her husband did or did not do.
And that, dear reader, is the purpose
of this book. I hope to make the truth about the age old battle of the sexes so
clear that you will see the reason for the fall and how to stop failing and
falling. You will be able to stop hating your partner or yourself, and you will
be able to calm down. You will be able to begin to let go of the baggage of
unforgiveness and begin to live free.
Even just seeing clearly that
all couples are in the same boat—that we are all Adam and Eve redux, with each
family replaying the old scene from the Garden of Eden—you will be able to be
more forgiving toward your partner when you see that s/he too is lost and
misguided. Having compassion (instead of resentment) your heart will soften.
And when it does, the love of the Creator will flood your being.